Manners

[tinyjo]

I was listening to a debate on R4 on the way home last night about whether lack of manners is what's dragging us down into a yob culture (it's part of a series called "Is Britain going to the dogs?"!). It was very interesting in the end - much better than I expected - and one particular comment made me think. "Manners are a virtue"

Initially, I was very dubious about this statement - does having good manners make you a better person? Surely it's things like kindness and honesty which make you a better person. Inside things. Manners are more presentational.

Earlier in the discussion they'd talked about a distinction between manners and etiquette. They'd made it clear what etiquette was but not really (to me) what manners were and this idea of manners as a virtue suddenly made me see where the distinction lay. Etiquette is the presentational part - the pleases and thank-yous, the holding of the door which ease our days and make things nicer but are not necessarily virtuous in themselves. Manners on the other hand are tied in with respect. They talked about the shift towards respect which must be earned rather than being automatic. To me, the essence of manners is that you give everyone the opportunity to earn that respect. You never write someone off automatically. You give everyone a fair hearing. I think that is something which makes you a better person.

What do you think?

Comments

[jinty]

Initially, I was very dubious about this statement - does having good manners make you a better person? Surely it's things like kindness and honesty which make you a better person. Inside things. Manners are more presentational.

For this, Jane Austen is one of the premier authors in English. Her books are all about manners and etiquette. In Emma, for instance, the lead character generally has very polished etiquette, but less heart than she should have -- which leads her to be horrendously rude to Mrs Bates, the genteel but wittery old lady whose inanities drive Emma to distraction. I forget exactly what Emma says, but it betrays her true exasperation in an unkind way, when Mrs Bates deserves all the consideration that her social circle should grant to her age and rather rickety social position (old maid, impoverished, but with a 'good background'). It's made very clear that Emma's smart dresses, good table manners, social polish etc do not make up for lack of this sort of 'good manners' -- which is really just consideration.

This comes in many forms -- if you are rich and others are not, you don't swank your wealth in front of them, or force them to spend more to keep up with you; you are careful to include everyone in conversation and to give everyone a turn in dancing; you are careful not to monopolise people to the exclusion of others, even if the person in question is your long-lost love.

Of course, to the modern eye, this all seems a) very antiquated and stiff; b) a way of living that is extremely hedged about with constraints, and c) hypocritical, because it's not like the same considerations were extended to social inferiors. (Although actually Emma, amongst other Austen novels, does indicate that you should show consideration to social inferiors -- this includes not expecting them to be like you, but to have virtues of their own -- 'separate but both necessary to the smooth running of the world', one might say.)

Nevertheless, there's a lot of good stuff in there, once you get past the 'etiquette/manners' distinction and see that it's about consideration, not 'formal' good manners.