All these things that I have done

Alex and I seem to be out of sync at the moment - he was up late on Sunday when I headed to bed and then last night the reverse, for example. He's up when I'm down, which is helpful because it's always good to have a bit of looking after when I've not had a good day or I'm feeling a bit stressed. Hence he has gone out to see the gig this evening while I am here and having cleaned up SB support, I'm going to have a bath and bed, I think.

1 lovely boyfriend
2 takeaway meals
good TV to watch
1 sofa
1 blanket
small amounts alcohol

Method:
Invite lovely boyfriend round to watch TV. Each collect one of the takeaways. Sit on sofa and eat meals, drink alcohol and watch TV. When eating/drinking finished snuggle up on sofa under blanket and hug while watching TV.

I'm addicted to hugs. And hugs from Alex in particular. When I'm feeling stressed or tired or grumpy I try to take a deep breath and remember what it feels like to have a hug (preferably a nekkid one :) ).

Alex is coming round tonight :)

Was pretty poo actually. ( Click here for my emotional/stomach traumas )

The train tonight won't be too crowded. I have started to be a little hopeful about this as there has been a significant decrease in traffic over the last couple of days coming to work - the bus this morning pulled into Marble Arch at 5 to 8 which is practically unheard of and I got a seat on the central line! If the traffic on the trains to Norfolk has decreased as much as that on the underground it should be actually quite nice - I might not even have to sit next to anyone :)

Did not make it to see Amelie last night - too tired. Just feel rather washed out at the moment. Alex came round and was sad cos he has to do things and hasn't bought any pressies yet. Poor thing. I gave him some hugs but it only helped a little bit. He is lovely - it's a shame that he won't really get very much rest this Christmas as after he's been to see me he's going to see both lots of parents. At least when I go home I won't have anything to do til New Year and can just lie around and read and stuff.
*hug*ALEX*hug*

For some reason when I got into work this morning my computer couldn't access a DHCP server so all my network drives when missing. It was very unnerving - I wondered whether they'd decided that I was using up too much space or something what with the mp3s and the e-books :)

Not very awake this morning because I had a bit of a nasty journey to work - the bus was boiling and the driver and his mate were having a very loud discussion at the bottom of the stairs so I didn't get as much sleep as normal. Then the tube was awful - there had been some sort of delay just before I got there so the train was absolutely full to bursting and the trouble with the Central line is that you just know that the next 2 or 3 will be too so there's no point in waiting. Ah well.

I need to learn a way of expressing my feelings better in writing I think, or at least a way I can accept. I tried to write something about Alex and our relationship but when I try to put it down it looks small and wrong and cliched - a bit like when I try to write poetry - it sounds fine in my head and it works but somehow, on the page it doesn't. I'll have to resign myself to either not writing it or not being satisfied with it. I guess it could be a work in progress. The thing is that I really want to write it - let the world know how good I feel and how lucky I am. Maybe it's better if I don't - Alex might be embarrassed. Still, the desire remains. Watch this space...

Have discovered that I have learned something on all those Microsoft courses after all - who would have thought it! This afternoon, I earn the respect of my peers by fiddling with the registry (under strict guidelines I hasten to add!) and creating services via bat files provided by the software company. Basically it was a fly by night install of a piece of software which was on a machine which fell over and died. So in order to transfer it over we find ourselves doing manually all the things which normally you'd have a nice little install shield to do for you and I discover that I'm the only person on my table who knows how to edit the registry. And its a table of techies. Sad isn't it. In fact I was quite surprised by this as even before I was a proper techie I knew what regedit was for and how to work it in a basic sense as well as being well aware that it was something that you steered well clear of if at all possible! Still, as I say, I have earned the respect of my peers and in the current climate anything which makes me look good/competent/useful is a Good Thing.

My parents have once again headed homewards via a diversion of a visit to my Nan in London. Once again both she and my granddad have managed to go from being in a really bad patch a couple of months ago when Granddad had broken his hip and Nan was quite depressed to being really perky again. I think they may be secretly indestructible. You can always tell when Nan's feeling good because she starts decorating the house. Its become a bit of a mania really - every time shes up she gets the nice chap to come over and re-do some room which was only done a couple of months ago. Much to his credit, last time she called him over he tried to talk her out of it himself! I guess that having done it only 18 months ago he felt it was a bit of a waste. But she insisted - shes ever so stubborn is my Nan. I have to say that I think he was right - it was better before - but never mind. One of the only downers about not living in London is that its tricky to get to see Nan and Granddad again because they live on the outskirts of London just nicely positioned so that to get there from Oxford you have to come all the way in to the centre and then out again - not ideal as you can imagine. It ends up being about 3 hours. Its the only time I wish I had a car as it wouldn't be too tricky at all then (ok not quite the only time but pretty close).

We're going to see another free play tonight - the Carpenter by Harold Pinter. I had a sudden urge when I looked through the program to go and see something by Pinter and this seems like as good an opportunity as any. That's one of the good things about this reviewing gig - I wouldn't go to something like this speculatively if I was going to have to pay £15 for it but if its free I can indulge my whims. I doubt it'll be as good as the Stoppard but then Stoppard is particularly attuned to the sort of thing I like. It'll be nice to go together as well. Alex has been very affectionate over the last week or so - just little things like the occasional extra hug or snuggle or something. Its really nice - it's a shame we've been so busy the past couple of weekends. I think we're going to try and have a weekend all to ourselves some time soon if we can just manage to fit it in around all the other people who want to see us! Fingers crossed. He seemed to have fun with my parents as well - they get on really well which is good. His sarcastic sense of humour really suits them and of course he and Dad are both into music so they're never short of conversation. I still haven't written to his Mum to say thanks for the housewarming pressie actually which is very bad of me. I'll have to put it in my Visor otherwise it'll never get done...

--
'Do you remember when we made love in the roses
And you took my picture in all sorts of poses'
--

Once again, Alex has got something more interesting to do than spend any time with me. Its starting to get to me. I was feeling a bit off last night (tiredness combined with a small amount of alcohol) so I went back to his and slept there which was really nice and he didn't even seem to mind having to be woken up in the morning but then he had to spoil it by telling me just as I was leaving that he suddenly had something better to do on Friday. Of course, I could always tag along and sit and look bored, confused and tired while Alex goes off and socializes with everyone. Plus I'm sure they'll all be just thrilled to see me. I guess I'd better just wait at home like a good little girl.

We went to see Josie and the Pussycats last night. I thought it was a fantastic film although I don't think the others really agreed with me. It was silly and fun and had gorgeous girls and good music - what more could you ask. I think the brainwashing has worked - I want to buy the video!

Was having a chat with Alex afterwards. I don't understand him often. He seems to be feeling depressed because he feels that he's not maintaining his obligations properly. He acts like all his previous relationships were transactions in which he took but didn't give and so he owes the other person in some way. To me, that seems to be missing the point - a relationship with someone is a free exchange, not a transaction. Each person is involved because they want to be (except possibly the child in the parent/child relationship) and because of what they're getting *now* not in order to demand eternal service. Maybe I'm missing the point (I probably am), maybe its a language thing. It just doesn't seem to me that it's a terrible crime to fall out of touch with someone or something you should feel desparatly guilty about. If you want to call them then do so, but don't call them if you don't want to. If they want to talk to you then they'll call you and it's not your fault if they generally call first. Oh well.