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I've been wondering recently why it is that I find it so much more difficult to find words for the happy events and moods in my life than the sad ones. When I'm down or tired or depressed or grumpy I know exactly how to describe it - to pin it down. But when I think about lying around with Alex being hugged and talking together I find that I can't describe it. I look at my screen and no words come. But why should it be so much more difficult to describe my good emotions. Do I understand my bad ones better? I don't think so. I certainly think more in some ways about the good memories/moods but even in my head I don't verbalise that - it's all sensation. And I want to share the good times, often more than the bad. I want everyone to know how good it feels to be in love and loved. But the words are not there.
I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning, composing this post in my head, when a possible explanation struck me. When I'm low writing the whole thing down is cathartic. The more detailed the better. It allows me to think more objectively about whatever the problems are and what the solutions might be. And it just feels better. I'll probably also bend the ear of Alex and Mum and Dad and anyone else I think might put up with it and that helps too. It helps me to put it outside and feel it less. But I don't want that for the good stuff. I don't want to lose any of the intensity of my memories about those times. So I don't let them out.
I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning, composing this post in my head, when a possible explanation struck me. When I'm low writing the whole thing down is cathartic. The more detailed the better. It allows me to think more objectively about whatever the problems are and what the solutions might be. And it just feels better. I'll probably also bend the ear of Alex and Mum and Dad and anyone else I think might put up with it and that helps too. It helps me to put it outside and feel it less. But I don't want that for the good stuff. I don't want to lose any of the intensity of my memories about those times. So I don't let them out.
