All these things that I have done

I'm glad you're okay -- your (v. wise and emotionally observant) post made me remember when my gran died some years back, again after some years of not being quite herself and us family having guilty mixed feelings (which you pin down brilliantly). You're spot on that it's not those sad years we have to choose to remember a person by. But death in the family is always a punch in the gut no matter how expected, gentle and 'right' it is. Let us know if there's anything useful I can do to help other than big hugs at Caption, obviously...