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I've been thinking again lately about my self image. As some of you may have noticed, I'm making an effort to diet again. However, I've realised recently that the reason for that is less about weight than about control.
I had become more or less addicted to crisps - I would always have a couple of packets down the pub, or at Jeremy's or when Ian and Ruth came over. Guests was always an excuse to send Alex out for Pringles, or drunkenness or 'tired and tiny' -ness. So I got fed up with it and said to myself: this is ridiculous. I don't *need* to eat a packet of crisps. Nor, on a related note, do I *need* a Muller Rice in the morning - a piece of fruit will do just fine - and I definately don't need one at lunch as well. I wasn't even getting that much pleasure out of these things (although salt 'n' vinegar aren't bad :) ) - just a relief of cravings. So I decided that I'd had enough. If you stand up to your body enough you can force it to shut up about things like this. So, after a couple of false starts, I decided to quit. And it worked. After going cold turkey for nearly two weeks, we had some Pringles at the sleepover and I had a few but I didn't end up pigging at least 1/2 the tube or instantly grabbing another handful as soon as I finished the one I had. I just shared them with the girls. And I feel better feeling that I'm more in control of my body.
Now that summers coming up, I'd like to tone up my stomach a little so that my skimpy tops will look more flattering and some of my lovely summer dresses will still fit nicely. The trouble is that I'm dreadful at acting on vague desires like that so I have to formalise them - make a proper decision to diet, plan some exercise. It makes me much more likely to do it and I never take it so seriously that it gets in the way when I want to go out with my family or friends. It also makes me feel more in control of my life and my situation. It makes me think about the decision to go out or whatever so that if I do end up putting on a little after dinner at Pierre Victoires (or where-ever) it doesn't bother me nearly as much because I made a conscious decision to risk that for a little enjoyment. Its when I gain weight and I haven't done anything much at all that it bugs me - I feel like I've 'wasted' those pounds on snacks etc when I could have had something special for them. I feel out of control - like things are slipping away from me. So once again, I've put my hands on the reins. That doesn't mean that I won't have a burger and a couple of drinks down the pub tonight, but it does mean that I won't have any crisps. When I find a new job, I'll take more exercise - maybe just cycling to work or maybe using some of my extra free time for it. And I'll savour my calories when I take Mum and Dad out for their birthday dinner in two weeks time.
Another thought I've had on this topic is that despite my constant striving for control/improvements I actually have a much better self image than I had, say, 5 years ago. This partly stemmed from the fact that I was considered more or less sexless at school. I was the hard-working, clever geeky girl who didn't care what anyone thought of me. Most of the guys were slightly unnerved by me and either teased me or avoided me. Even those with whom I was friends didn't seem to think of me in that way really. I wasn't particularly bothered as I didn't really fancy any of them. So I ended up not thinking of myself as ugly exactly but just not sexy, not pretty, not noticeable in that way. Then I went to Oxford, where I met Alex. Who wanted to go out with me and gave me hugs and wanted to have sex with me. The first guy I had actually fancied or felt desire for. Almost instantly my best friend. And a very honest person. He always says what he means and thinks it through. This is why we've never really had an argument and also why when he kept telling me I was beautiful and pretty I started to believe him. And he wasn't the only one who reacted well to me. I started to enjoy my body and peoples reactions to it. So now, even though I'd like that toned tummy and so on, it's just a goal - it's not a huge deal. I still feel happy and relaxed about how I am now, I just know that I'm not perfect.
I had become more or less addicted to crisps - I would always have a couple of packets down the pub, or at Jeremy's or when Ian and Ruth came over. Guests was always an excuse to send Alex out for Pringles, or drunkenness or 'tired and tiny' -ness. So I got fed up with it and said to myself: this is ridiculous. I don't *need* to eat a packet of crisps. Nor, on a related note, do I *need* a Muller Rice in the morning - a piece of fruit will do just fine - and I definately don't need one at lunch as well. I wasn't even getting that much pleasure out of these things (although salt 'n' vinegar aren't bad :) ) - just a relief of cravings. So I decided that I'd had enough. If you stand up to your body enough you can force it to shut up about things like this. So, after a couple of false starts, I decided to quit. And it worked. After going cold turkey for nearly two weeks, we had some Pringles at the sleepover and I had a few but I didn't end up pigging at least 1/2 the tube or instantly grabbing another handful as soon as I finished the one I had. I just shared them with the girls. And I feel better feeling that I'm more in control of my body.
Now that summers coming up, I'd like to tone up my stomach a little so that my skimpy tops will look more flattering and some of my lovely summer dresses will still fit nicely. The trouble is that I'm dreadful at acting on vague desires like that so I have to formalise them - make a proper decision to diet, plan some exercise. It makes me much more likely to do it and I never take it so seriously that it gets in the way when I want to go out with my family or friends. It also makes me feel more in control of my life and my situation. It makes me think about the decision to go out or whatever so that if I do end up putting on a little after dinner at Pierre Victoires (or where-ever) it doesn't bother me nearly as much because I made a conscious decision to risk that for a little enjoyment. Its when I gain weight and I haven't done anything much at all that it bugs me - I feel like I've 'wasted' those pounds on snacks etc when I could have had something special for them. I feel out of control - like things are slipping away from me. So once again, I've put my hands on the reins. That doesn't mean that I won't have a burger and a couple of drinks down the pub tonight, but it does mean that I won't have any crisps. When I find a new job, I'll take more exercise - maybe just cycling to work or maybe using some of my extra free time for it. And I'll savour my calories when I take Mum and Dad out for their birthday dinner in two weeks time.
Another thought I've had on this topic is that despite my constant striving for control/improvements I actually have a much better self image than I had, say, 5 years ago. This partly stemmed from the fact that I was considered more or less sexless at school. I was the hard-working, clever geeky girl who didn't care what anyone thought of me. Most of the guys were slightly unnerved by me and either teased me or avoided me. Even those with whom I was friends didn't seem to think of me in that way really. I wasn't particularly bothered as I didn't really fancy any of them. So I ended up not thinking of myself as ugly exactly but just not sexy, not pretty, not noticeable in that way. Then I went to Oxford, where I met Alex. Who wanted to go out with me and gave me hugs and wanted to have sex with me. The first guy I had actually fancied or felt desire for. Almost instantly my best friend. And a very honest person. He always says what he means and thinks it through. This is why we've never really had an argument and also why when he kept telling me I was beautiful and pretty I started to believe him. And he wasn't the only one who reacted well to me. I started to enjoy my body and peoples reactions to it. So now, even though I'd like that toned tummy and so on, it's just a goal - it's not a huge deal. I still feel happy and relaxed about how I am now, I just know that I'm not perfect.
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Date: April 23rd, 2002 05:12 pm (UTC)From:The issue of control is very relevant. It's actually something that is often considered central to anorexia (not inplying anything by that, he adds hastily). This is something which, at the moment, I don't seem able to control... thanks for reminding me it's possible.