This is a true story written by a woman in England to her friend after a swimsuit shopping expedition. "I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.
When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice; she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit ... a two-piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome.
When I got home, I found a label that said, "Material will become transparent in water."
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chiming
This reminds me of a joke my mom sent me...
Date: August 14th, 2003 03:00 pm (UTC)From:swimsuit shopping expedition. "I have just been through the annual
pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.
When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a
mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned,
trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to
hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice; she can
either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's
Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of
fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of
horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to
actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks.
The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing
midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I
found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the
other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is
that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to
wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my
speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play
dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all
those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her
head through the curtains, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the
bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had
to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two-piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers
with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with
triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff
and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with
such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit ... a two-piece affair with shorts style
bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and
bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful
outcome.
When I got home, I found a label that said, "Material will become
transparent in water."